I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
