I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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