They should really pass out barf bags in church
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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