My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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