I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
