Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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