No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
