New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
