Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
