I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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