Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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