I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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