my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
