I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
