I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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