mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
