I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Randomize
