Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
