I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
