so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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