PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
