There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
