you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My ATM looks so different sober.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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