Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
