how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
