i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
