I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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