I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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