just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
