I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
