I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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