the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
