i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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