You really coming over, don't trick.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
