I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
