I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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