I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
