I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
