after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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