how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
