worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
this is an emotional support booty call
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
