I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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