3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
