if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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