last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
