I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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