What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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