I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
