I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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