it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
