If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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