It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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