I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
