The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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