Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
