I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
